Unsustained
by bonecolouredskin
Summary: "Stop thinking about what i want, what he wants, what your friends want, what do you want? Stop playing the saint Elena. You can't save everybody." Elena's internal battle to find out which brother she cares most for, E/D.
1. Chapter 1

"Stop thinking about what I _want, what he wants_, what your parents would have wanted. You can't always play the saint Elena. What do _you_ want? You can't save everyone."

Chapter 1Damon

She was an awfully strange creature. She was kind, selfless and_ pure. _Everything he wasn't. She put everyone and anyone before herself; she was willing to die for those who meant most to her. Something he would never ever consider. She inflicted the strangest of feelings upon him. She made him feel…humane. She made him feeling like his ever-prolonging unnatural existence had a meaning. She made him want to try. Yes, Elena Gilbert was most definitely one of the strangest creatures he had ever come in contact with.

Damon glanced to his left where he saw Elena sleeping. She had fallen asleep around 12am, four hours before they set off for the unmentionable long road trip to find Damon's brother, Stefan, who had gone missing god knows where. They pulled up at a gas station a few hours ago to re-gas where she mentioned she was cold. He immediately offered her his jacket, which she graciously denied. After his profound nagging for her to take it she reluctantly took it with a thankful smile. It was only at that point that Damon realised he would do anything for this girl, anything she required. As soon as they begun driving again Elena dozed off. He smiled at her for an eighth of a second before refocusing his attention on the road. Even her mere presence made him feel like a better person.

He drove in silence for the next few hours, content with soundtrack of Elena's deep breathing. It was dawn, and the sun was rising and the birds were playing their bird song. Usually he never heard birds, they tended to steer away from him given his current dead status, but with Elena around they came in hundreds willingly. He was surprised birds hadn't of landed of the car bonnet. She attracted everyone, even the wildlife. He shaked his head whilst laughing to himself in amusement.

"Share the joke." He turned his head to find Elena, in the exact same position as she was when she was sleeping, smiling. He smiled back at her and shook his head; _she wouldn't understand_ he thought internally. Elena sat up straight and groaned, stretching her limbs and crinking her neck. _That groan, _Damon thought, _the things I wish I could do to her…_Damon looked at Elena out of one eye, there was no point denying that she wasn't attractive. She was a very attractive young woman. She had a pretty face with a slender body with beautiful features. The amount of hours he'd spent daydreaming having his way with her…Damon shook his head before his mind begun one of their fantasies about Elena and before something else of his awoke.

"How was your sleep?" Damon decided to occupy his mind before his overbearing thoughts of Elena took over. They had been driving down a straight road for about the past hour, Damon could only estimate the road would continue to stay relatively straight for the foreseeable future.

"It was adequate. A bit uncomfortable."

Damon laughed shortly, "Well, you did sleep on the side of the door." He waited for Elena's response, when he didn't receive one he looked over at her. She was rubbing her neck with a pained expression on her face. His face softened as he realised she was in pain. "Are you okay? Do you want me to pull over?" He reached out with one hand and placed it on her free hand, gently squeezing it.

She stopped rubbing her neck and looked down at her hand, which was being held by his and then back up at him. He heard her heartbeat increase when she glanced at her hand, which he held. She smiled, her eyes full of gratitude. "I'll be ok. I've survived worse." This wasn't just a figure of speech like most people used it, no; Elena Gilbert had survived the worst of the worst. Damon smiled at her response, mainly because he was glad she _had _survived. He hated to think of life without her presence. Elena sat up in her seat and glanced around. The confused look on her face made it sure she was unfamiliar with the current surroundings. "Where on earth are we?" She asked, with a slightly raised eyebrow.

"About twenty miles off New York." Damon glanced over to see Elena's reaction and smirked when he saw her shocked face.

"…New York?" Damon smirked again and nodded. "Why on earth would Stefan be interested in New York? The capital city of America? The highly _populated _city of America?"

Damon shook his head. He didn't have an answer to Elena's question. He didn't know why his brother would be interested in New York; he didn't really know his brother anymore. This stage was a lot different to his usual Ripper stages. He didn't seem to care about anything lately, not even Elena, his one true love. All he seemed to care about was destroying Klaus, and by doing that he's destroyed everything else and left Damon to pick up the pieces. Not that he complained, Damon was more than happy to help Elena. Maybe one day she'd realise his level of care and adoration he has for her. Maybe one day she'll start to love him like he loves her. "I don't know Elena, Stefan has never been like this before in all of his existence. I honestly don't know what to do." Damon was worried; despite everything he loved his brother. He was sick with worry over what his crazed brother might do next.

Elena noticed his concern. "Don't worry," she said as she placed her hand lightly on his arm, "we'll find him" Damon looked down at where Elena's hand was placed. He loved being in contact with her; it made him feel alive, human. Something he rarely felt. Damon sighed and nodded. Elena again noticed he wasn't comforted. This time she gently squeezed his arm. "We'll find him Damon. Everything's going to be okay. Look, there's New York in the distance." She pointed to the rows on rows of lights. Damon could no longer hear the birdcall but the distant sound of New York City. That and Elena's comforting gave him some reassurance. Damon nodded. He noticed Elena's hand lingered on his arm a few second after he reassured her. He smiled quietly to himself. He allowed him one quick glance at Elena. He quickly reverted his eyes to the road once he realised she was already staring at him. Did she notice him noticing her staring at him? He didn't know. He didn't know a lot lately.

It wasn't long until they entered New York City. Damon decided in Elena's best interests that they ought to check into a hotel and allow Elena to rest before they start their quest to find Stefan. It wasn't long until Elena collapsed on the giant double bed. She quickly fell asleep. Damon smiled as he sat opposite her, staring at the unfathomable beauty that would never be his, but his brothers.


	2. Chapter 2

Elena Gilbert was only really sure of two things in her life; one, that she loved Stefan Salvatore with all her heart and two; that she wouldn't live past the tender age of 20 years old. She refused to believe that Stefan had turned into a 'ripper' like Damon had said. That just wasn't in his nature. Stefan couldn't go round mercilessly killing innocent people. Stefan was a good vampire. He was _pure. _He would never, ever, willingly hurt a human being. That just wasn't Stefan.

Elena drifted off to sleep as soon as she laid her head on the oversized motel bed. She was exhausted, mentally as well as physically. Her mind ached from the confusion of Stefan; her heart ached because he left her. She needed him. He was like air to her; she just couldn't survive without him in her life. She had lost far too many people in her life. She wasn't ready to loose one more without a fight. She was sure Damon was prepared to fight for him too. He makes out he despises him, but Elena knew that Stefan meant a lot to him. Damon needed Stefan. Stefan needed Damon. Elena needed both of them.

Elena's rest was short lived. She woke up, startled, after a nightmare. She had dreamt that Stefan had fully lost control. He chased her and Damon. He murdered Damon by slowly ripping his heart out and consuming it. She woke up just before he was about to attack her, an evil twisted look upon his face. She was terrified. The only weird part was that she was scared about Damon dying, not scared of what Stefan had turned into. Elena shoved the thought to the back of her head, _just a dream, _she thought as she shook her head to get rid of the previous atrocities that vacated her mind.

"You ok?" Elena glanced up to see Damon's face buried with concern. Elena nodded. He raised his eyebrows. Clearly he wasn't as reassured as Elena had hoped.

Elena laid back down and let out a gust of air, "I'm fine it was just…a bad dream." Damon again raised his eyebrows, a sign for her to explain more. Elena sighed. She really didn't want to recall the atrocities her imagination had once invented. Its not like it mattered anyway. Its not like that would actually happen…right?

"It was about Stefan. It really doesn't matter." Elena got up and walked over to the windows to open up the closed curtains, hoping that Damon wouldn't press the issue further. From the way the sun was set in the sky Elena had guessed it was around noon. Elena winced at the brightness of the sun, she much preferred the dark. It was like she was _destined _to be a vampire. Elena quickly shut the curtains and sat on the chair that was placed near to the once opened windows.

Damon came and sat next to Elena. He placed his arm far too close to Elena's for comfort. The only concerning thing was that Elena _didn't _mind Damon being so close. In fact, she craved his company. She _wanted _him to be closer. She should mind him, these feelings. This was Damon Salvatore she was thinking about. _Damon. _The very person (or dead person) who had killed thousands of people and never felt any remorse, the person who had tried to kill her boyfriend countless of times, the person who was incapable of feelings.

"Elena." Damon tried to grab her attention. She wouldn't look at him. She couldn't. Every time she looked in his direction those feelings came up. She couldn't feel those feelings. She wouldn't let herself. She didn't care for Damon, she cared for Stefan, his brother, the better of the two brothers. Elena didn't look up after Damon called her name, so he lightly grabbed her chin and forced her to look at him.

"Don't worry, ok? Everything is going to be all right. I won't let you get hurt" He said as he gently stroked her chin with his forefinger.

She was touched by his words. She had also noticed his voice was more gentler than before and that his eyes had softened in a way she had never seen previously. She saw a boy behind them. A boy who had lost his brother to a world of mass destruction, a boy who had lost himself in the chaotic mess of love. Elena found herself lost herself in his eyes, his deep auburn with-a-hint-of-emerald eyes. She saw love, care,and humanity. She saw Damon for who he really is, not the hard act he puts on. She saw _him_, she really saw him.

Elena was the first to break the intense staring session. _What was that? _She thought to herself, her mind ridden with confusion. Elena stared straight ahead. She refused to look at Damon, even though she was 100% aware he was still staring at her. What was going on? This trip was meant to be about finding Stefan, not about Elena falling for his brother. Wait…what? Did she really just think that? No…She didn't. Elena isn't falling for Damon. She just misses Stefan. A lot. Everything will be okay when she finds him. Elena got up and left the room that contained Damon without a word. She entered the bathroom and turned on the shower, undressed, and clambered awkwardly inside it.

Stefan. Just think about Stefan. Stefan, Stefan, Stefan. Elena made herself think only about her boyfriend. Her lovely, kind, humane, yet slightly dead, boyfriend. The boyfriend who would do anything for her, the boyfriend who saved her from death countless of times. The boyfriend Elena would stay faithful to until she dies. Elena sighed as she leant against the shower wall and slowly slid down. When did it all get so complicated? When did every decision she made have to involve life and death? Why did she have to be the all-important doppelganger? Why couldn't she just live a normal life?

Elena often thought about those questions, and most of the time she never received an answer. Someone had to be the doppelganger, someone had to go through a lifetime of hell and someone had to loose virtually everyone they loved, it had to be someone. It was just Elena and her unfortunate luck that made it be her. Elena couldn't dwell on things she wished she could change but couldn't. She couldn't do anything to change the situation; she just had to make the best of it.

Elena quickly jumped out of the shower she didn't need. She dried herself in the bathroom, of course, and got changed in there. She entered the room she once slept in and noticed Damon wasn't there. _Maybe he had gone out to feed? _Elena didn't like to think of Damon feeding on some poor, compelled, innocent teenage girl, but she had to be realistic, that was what he normally did. Elena shuddered at the thought and then mentally blocked it out. She walked over to the motel door to check outside and noticed Damon was on his phone in the open air. He looked worried. Elena forgot all about what had previously happened and walked over to Damon, concern written all over her face, her eyes wide with curiosity. _What could have possibly happened to make Damon look worried? Damon of all people? _Damon whispered something fast that Elena, in her human form, could not possibly make out. He then shut off his phone and turned to Elena, a look of defeat on his face.

"We've got trouble."

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	3. Chapter 3

"Okay, thank you Sheriff Forbes, ill get in contact again when I know more about the situation." Damon whispered quietly into the phone receiver and then abruptly put the phone down. He sighed. What had his crazy, stupid, reckless brother gotten himself into this time? Damon sighed again, as he was unable to answer the question.

"Damon?" Damon looked up to see Elena. Beautiful, pure, honest Elena, who was looking particularly worried. Her eyebrows were buried in an adorably concern fashion and her plump pink mouth was slightly open. Damon wanted to comfort her, tell her everything was going to be okay and that she didn't have to worry, but he couldn't give her false hope or empty promises. Even with everything going on Damon could still imagine his mouth upon hers, kissing, being together…

_Stop it, _Damon ordered himself. _You have bigger things to worry about that making out with your brothers girlfriend. _He tried to get himself to stop thinking of her, but he simply couldn't. Damon Salvatore could not stop thinking about Elena Gilbert, it was a fact. He thought about her constantly, day and night. Everything reminded him of her; the sun, the sky, the air, everything. She kept him sane, well, sane enough to not kill everyone in town. Elena was the only reason Damon was still in Mystic Falls. He hated that goddamned town, he always did and he always will. That town attracted trouble, but seeing as it held resident to Elena it also attracted him, and many other supernatural beings, many who didn't hold the same thoughts as he did. Most wanted to use Elena for her doppelganger traits, use her until she was of no use anymore. They didn't care for her well being at all, not like Damon did. Damon would do anything for her, anything to make her happy and safe.

"Damon...?" Elena repeated as she took a step forward towards him. Damon had completely forgotten she had even said his name in the first place; he was too consumed with his radical thoughts of her. Elena looked even more concerned than she did before, this was probably due to the fact he didn't answer her in the first place, however, it only made him want to comfort her even more. Damon hated the fact she was anything but happy. He hated the fact he couldn't do anything to change the way she felt.

"Sorry…I was…thinking." Thinking, yes, Damon was thinking. What he was thinking about would remain a closed secret to him. Elena raised her eyebrows impatiently. She was getting annoyed. _Good, _Damon thought, _maybe if she hates me it'll make me wanting her easier. _Damon sighed as he looked at the beauty in front of him. She was so strong, so vigilant for someone so young and physically weak. She represented hope in his meek, brittle, non-ending existence. She represented what he would and could never have. Pain flashed through him, not the physical kind, that was easy to deal with, that was removable. No, his heart ached in a way he couldn't ignore, his stomach regulated around inside of him like he was about to throw up. He wanted her; he wanted her to be his so badly.

Elena looked up and saw Damon's forehead creased with worry, his eyes full of regret, and his eyes full of sadness. Her heart reached out to him, she wanted to comfort him. She wanted to cradle his head on her lap and rhymically brush her fingers through his hair and whisper words of comfort to him. She wanted to take his pain away and burden it on herself. But she couldn't. She couldn't comfort him, she couldn't promise him comfort that she couldn't present and she couldn't take his pain away. She was useless. She couldn't do anything, and the worse thing is so many people have died for her. Her loved ones died for something that would probably be joining them on the other side very shortly. They died for a lost cause. Elena could see on Damon's face _he _was dying for a lost cause. She should have died when she was born.

Elena stepped towards Damon, her hands reaching out to him, as if to try to catch his sadness and throw it away. "Damon," her voice was soft and her eyes were full of compassion. She stopped when she was about an arms length away from him. Damon looked up, his eyes stricken with grief and hate and despair. Surely Stefan alone couldn't have done this?

"Elena." He copied her in a monotonic voice. Elena winced in reply to his coldness, _why was he being like this? _Damon, for a split second felt uncontrollably angry for upsetting Elena, but he quickly shut off that feeling. Damon shut off all feelings. That's one of the perks of being a vampire; you can shut off your humanity in a split second.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

Damon didn't look her in the face when he answered; he knew when he saw those adorable brown eyes fill with water he'd crack, "Its Stefan. He's gone crazy; he's killing all of Klaus's hybrids…and anyone or anything that gets in his way for some reason. He wants something, I just don't know what it is." He heard Elena stop breathing; he then heard her heartbeat slowly decrease to a minimum thud. He then heard her take shaky, unsteady breaths that were accompanied by sniffles. Yep, she was crying. Even though he didn't actually see her crying he still felt sorry for her. The most painful thing ever is to watch someone you love cry over someone they love. Damon almost couldn't take the pain, the anger of Elena not being his. Why did life have to treat him so badly? Why was it always Stefan, no matter how badly he acted, always got what he wanted? Doesn't _he _deserve a chance at happiness for once in his sad, lonely existence?

"I'm going to find him," Damon sighed as he met Elena's watery eyes. He'd cracked. He couldn't take her misery one second longer, "There's no need to be upset."

Elena sniffled as she rubbed her eyes free from tears and nodded, she suddenly stopped. "Wait…_I'm? _Don't you mean _we?_" Elena spluttered, her eyes wide with rejection and shock.

Damon's stare was hard and cold, Elena noticed the emotion, and the sadness wasn't present anymore. Nothing was there anymore. His eyes were empty. He was empty, "No Elena." He said, his voice as harsh as his stare was, "_I'm _going. _You're _going home, to Mystic Falls."

Elena laughed sarcastically, her eyes turned from empathy to fury, "_You're? _No Damon. You said we were in this together, you said I could help."

Damon internally sighed for the bitterness he was about to present to Elena, "No Elena, you were allowed to come when we thought Stefan had just gone on a little bend, but its different. It's bigger this time. You're just human, Elena. You can't help. You're useless. And anyway Elena, why do you still care about Stefan? He left you, he left you alone. He doesn't care about you." Damon saw the pain he inflicted on Elena through her eyes, the pain was like a boomerang, it hit Elena and hit him right back, ten times worse.

Elena's anger was quickly dropped from her façade, she didn't suit hate. Her fury was then replaced with sadness. Her whole body drooped, like she had given up on everything she had been fighting for. Damon spotted her bottom lip trembling, like she was about to cry. _Don't cry, _Elena internally told herself; _don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you cry._

"You're right." Elena whispered quietly to herself. If Damon didn't possess supernatural abilities he wouldn't have been able to hear her, "I'm useless, aren't I?" Elena proclaimed as she sniffed away any tears and looked Damon in the eyes and laughed sarcastically. "All these people fighting over me…fighting for my blood…why? I should have died when my parent's car fell off Wickery Bridge. That's the way it should have been. I should have died there and then. Stefan wasn't meant to save me. He went against the natural order by saving someone who was meant to have died. And this is nature paying me back. It's paying me back for being alive by cursing me with an inevitable death."

Damon was stunned, did he plant this thought into her head or was it always there? Damon instantly regretted what he said when he saw the tears forming in her eyes. "Elena, I'm sorry." Damon said softly as he walked towards Elena. Elena shook her head. She had recomposed her face; any hint of sadness that once lingered there was gone. Elena brushed the hair out of her face and then walked towards him.

"Don't be sorry for telling the truth. That's the good thing about you Damon, you'll always tell me the truth even if it hurts me. Stefan never told me the truth; he thought I was too weak, too…_human _to handle the truth. But I'm not. I'm strong. I can handle the truth, and you see that Damon. Thank you." Elena was finally several inches away from Damon before she reached up and gently caressed his face. It was in that moment Damon saw the true Elena, he didn't see the pureness or the good heartedness, no, and he saw the _real _Elena. The girl who had suffered so much pain, so much loss; the girl who wasn't willing to loose another person from her life. He saw her determination, her strength. Damon nodded, lost for words. Elena smirked and removed her hand from his face. He missed her touch. She turned his back away from him and began walking towards the motel room. "You better get some rest, we've got a crazed vampire to find."

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